Is life happening to you?

Or are you happening to life?

For a long time, I didn’t even know there was a difference.

I blamed my anxiety on my job. My sadness on my past. My stuck-ness on bad luck, timing, fate — pick your poison.

Life felt like a treadmill. I didn’t choose the speed. I didn’t pick the playlist. I sure as hell didn’t know how to get off.

Until something snapped.

And by snapped, I mean broke, shattered, exploded into a million pieces. Divorce. Career confusion. A deep spiritual collapse that left me alone, anxious, and asking one terrifying question:

Is this all there is?

Here’s the good news: that moment was the beginning of my real life. Not the one built on autopilot, people-pleasing, and passive resignation.

But a life that I created. One choice at a time.

It all came down to one idea.

Agency.

The most important word they never teach us in school.

Because here’s the truth:

Low agency is when life happens to you

High agency is when you happen to life.

Take a second and quickly re-read it again. It’s a simple but powerful shift.

Most people never make that shift. But the ones who do? They build their lives instead of tolerating them.

Let’s dive into this mindset shift that changed everything for me.

Nobody's Coming To Save You

You know that feeling when you’re stuck in traffic and every lane is moving faster than yours?

That was my life.

Constantly watching others move forward while I sat frozen, clenching the wheel, screaming inside.

I blamed my situation on everything outside me:

• My partner

• My boss

• The economy

• My “anxious brain”

Sound familiar?

This is the hallmark of low agency: blame

Everything is someone else’s fault. You’re always reacting. Always waiting. Always stuck.

But here’s the secret I wish someone told me sooner:

Nobody’s coming to save you.

And once you stop waiting for a lifeline, you realize you’ve been holding the rope the entire time.

What Low Agency Looks Like

This is what low agency looks like:

• Saying “I can’t” instead of “I won’t”

• Blaming instead of reflecting

• Defaulting to what’s easy over what’s right

• Postponing change until “the time is right” (spoiler: it never is)

Most of us didn’t choose this mindset. It was given to us.

From a young age, we’re taught to obey authority, stay in line, get the gold star, and never ever question the system.

We become excellent rule followers and terrible life designers.

For me, the breaking point came on my 29th birthday.

Five grams of psilocybin. Complete darkness. “Explosions in the Sky” playing in my ears as new neural pathways connected in my brain.

For the first time, I saw just how many stories I was living that weren’t mine.

“I have to stay in this job.”

“I can’t leave this marriage.”

“I’m just not the type of person who…”

Bullshit.

That trip was a mirror. A reset. A moment of stunning, terrifying, liberating clarity.

It showed me that my suffering wasn’t always random — in many ways it was chosen.

And just like I chose to suffer, I could choose something else.

This is the Agency Shift.

The moment you stop being the victim of your story and start becoming the author.

Let me walk you through how to build it.

The Agency Shift: 5 Steps To Take Control

That quote sends a deep, cold chill down my spine every time I hear it.

It makes me wonder — how many people are out there right now, living lives of quiet desperation?

Numbing themselves. Going through the motions. Telling themselves this is just the way it is.I know I used to.

Let’s be real — no one flips a magic switch and wakes up fully empowered.

Agency is built like a muscle: through repetition, discomfort, and tiny decisions made daily.

This 5-step framework is what I used — and still use — to move from low-agency, anxious, and reactive… to calm, grounded, and in control of my life.

I’m still a work in progress. Still catching myself in old patterns. Still rewiring, one choice at a time.

You don’t need to master all of this today. Just start. Pick one step, take one action, and let the momentum build.

Here’s how you begin.

Step 1: Name The Narrative

We can’t change what we don’t name.

Most of our limitations come from unspoken stories:

• “I’m too old to start over.”

• “I’ve always been anxious.”

• “People like me don’t succeed.”

These stories are sneaky. They dress up as facts.

Write them down. Stare at them. Question them.

Where did they come from? Are they true? Or just familiar?

When I wrote out my limiting beliefs, I realized most weren’t mine. They were inherited — from parents, teachers, culture. Time to give them back.

Rewrite them like your life depends on it. (Because it does.)

Step 2: Choose Your Role

If your life was a movie, who are you?

Are you the hero? Or the side character who exists just to move the plot along?

Here’s the shift:

• Victom: “Why is this happening to me?”

• Creator: “What do I want to create next?”

The moment I started asking better questions, my life gave me better answers.

Own the plot. Rewrite the ending.

Become the main character.

Step 3: Momentum Over Motivation

Motivation is a liar.

It shows up when you feel good — but disappears when you need it most.

Forget motivation. Build momentum instead.

Start small:

• Unfollow that account that makes you feel like shit

• Say no to one plan that drains you

• Take a walk without your phone

• Apply to the job that scares you

Each tiny choice is a brick in the foundation of agency.

Don’t wait for permission. Act.

Step 4: The Psychedelic Reset

Psychedelics aren’t magic. But they are mirrors.

They show you the truth. Then it’s on you to live it.

On my first trip, I saw how deeply I had abandoned myself. How often I dimmed my light to make others comfortable. How much of my life was lived out of fear, not freedom.

That single experience didn’t “fix” me.

But it did something more important: it gave me a new baseline. A glimpse of who I could be if I stopped bullshitting myself.

If you choose to explore this path, remember:

• Set and setting are everything

• Integration is more important than intensity

• The medicine shows the door — you walk through it

Psychedelics don’t give you agency. But they can reveal how much you already have.

Thinking of planning a psychedelic journey? Check out my free guide here.

Step 5: Your Agency Ecosystem

You don’t build agency in a vacuum.

Your environment, your habits, your circle — they either reinforce your power or drain it.

Here’s what worked for me:

• Daily journaling (to track the story I’m telling)

• Meditation (to catch my thoughts before they spiral)

• Walking without distraction (to hear my own voice)

• Saying no more often (to protect my energy)

• Surrounding myself with people who don’t flinch at my growth

You become what you tolerate. You become what you practice.

Build a world that reflects your agency — and it’ll start to feel automatic.

Time to Build

Here’s something I had to learn the hard way:

Agency isn’t something you’re born with. It’s something you build — one decision at a time.

Every time you stop blaming and start taking ownership, you build it.

Every time you question a story you’ve been living inside, you build it.

Every time you act — especially when it’s uncomfortable — you build it.

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being honest with yourself.

And choosing to do something about it.

This shift won’t happen all at once. But once it starts, everything changes.

You see your life differently.

You carry yourself differently.

You start to feel like yourself again.

— Darren